Thursday, January 27, 2011

i either ate to much last night or drank to much.  I guess you cant drink to much when youre tryin to kill yourself.  i was gonna say "I'll go sober if you go sober".  building roofs for over your head, I could do it my whole life.  I dont even understand my logic, Ive never loved somethin like that.  Always without a heart, my god...  In sixth grade I saved up my money and bought you a silver cross from t.j.maxx, in 8th grade i smoked crack for the first time.  dropped off, fuck you.  I remember kids called you 'boobless Bobbi' and I chased them down and kicked them onto the ground,  I crushed ones head in with the ball bin,  I did it again later to him cause he was throwin rocks at a bat but that was a year later.  The second time I got in so much trouble, they had my mom pick me up from school.  It's funny though because you have fake tits now and I used to like you- before that.  I never would now,  I won't date blondes.   from here on out I will ruin peoples lives if they cross me.  it is a threat.  i don't care anymore.  my blood is blood, that's about it.

i hate myself.  i tried making pumpkin bread earlier yesterday and it didn't work, it stayed liquid even bein in the oven for over three hours.  I cant feed myself or make myself shit that'd make me happy, it's pathetic.  shadows pulled me toward the walls, they got taller as i got closer.  i dont need nothin, i just wanna be beat to mauve and black spotted dog heals, heal.  i'm extremely fuc.....
I told my little sister she was born with a sacral tail but that my mom never told her.  I met a bartender from south street a couple days ago, she's fuckin hot.  I dont like her.  I dont like blondes... she does work at one of my favorite bars though.  guess I was made for one woman?  I sewed my jeans by hand the other day and the first pair i put on ripped again.  i was at a bar with my friends.  i like them cause honestly they give me free drugs.  any other reason would be a lie.  well except (Tanya) smells good.
i gotta smoke a cig.  um...  i'm not writin in this shit anymore.  It's stupid.  it's tryin to prove a point that doesnt mean anythin.  I just have nothin to say or write.

Did you know a star called Betelgeuse is supposed to explode/implode/super nova bullshit in 2012...  ?  It's supposed to light up the sky like a second sun for over a week.  I'll die before I see that shit.  Pray to me, tell me how it is.  I aint gettin a pizza on 2012 with noone but you and I actually hope i'm dead before then anyway.

reason one is- i started hearin voices the other day again.  It actually scares the shit out of me.  I have noone to tell who will understand.  except the doctor I go to sometimes... and I dont care enough about him or me to afford him; you know cause I do everythin myself now, have been.  My mom dont help me with nothin.  I got no social worker or healthcare.  WOE is me huh, fuck that.  At least when I d....  Sometimes I think that's why I might die or be a fuckin good husband.  pollinate up in that shit and have a devil baby.  raise it in the catacombs and shit.  that's all i fuckin wanna do and shit.  just cum up in your shit.  i need a cigarette...   Noones ever been there for me and I sure as shit dont need noone now, unless I want pumpkin bread I guess, I cant cook at all.  ill probably stab anyone who comes near me today.  I'm not writin in this thing anymore.  I dont respect you because you've always had someone there and I don't, I don't have noone.  I'm gonna read my book about the Bermuda Triangle and sleep forever.  I'll do some traveling,  I'll lay in the woods with you, plot out where to build a glass house.  Look out through pourin rain under the cover of owls sittin in hangin trees.  Raccoons picking off the lacquer that's chipping off the corners of the house, hear the wind come in through the window.  I was never given a real chance.  what's fucked up is record executives have contacted me, want me to play with a group of trained musicians from Nashville that Ive never even met.  what the fuck is that?  These people probably amazin with no vision of their own to play for me.  I dont even know how to approach shit like that.  set up for failure man.  turned dumb. cause that's what i want,  in a house in the woods.  Not leavin eachothers sides for nothin.  pure.  sick.  disgusting.  Sleep forever.  I'm not writing in this shit anymore.    I gotta walk in 10 ft snow now.  na i'm goin back to bed.  i hate god.  fuck u. bye.

1 comment:

Eva said...

I read this since I missed it. Then I went up and read the most recent post thinking by the time I got done I'd have something in my head I could say that would make even the smallest amount of sense. I have nothing. But I love it. Especially the part about the girl you loved before the fake tits and blonde hair. I think we lose the ability to love some types of people when certain things happen in our lives. Or maybe its just that we grow.

We grow out of things.