Friday, February 24, 2012


Nothing I do is right anymore.  From one perspective to the next it's all an unwanted reaction.  Someone deciding you're going to be wrong before you even say a word.  Times like these, you just want to scream it all out in one big frantic tirade but then it would never do as it is supposed to as chicken soup is to colds.  It's pathetic when all I can say is "i'm trying my best" and you mean it but then you have that part of you totally shot down.  Bearing your soul, speaking the gods honest truth, you ARE trying your best but that's not being recognized so along with running your mind into the ground until you're to exhausted to think or act the motivation along with it dwindles.  The things I miss cause problems  when I do them, like playing guitar or drink in with friends, the reasons I was loved in the first place are now things I'm discouraged from doing and so myself becomes unlovable and now others who still maintain that freedom are looked at by her better and more deserving of attention while the doormat I am on certain given nights no longer deserves anything except to be called miserable and annoyin. Fuck that though, the days I do what I want, I either deal with an apologetic girl explaining how it's not me but her who misdirects her suffering onto those she loves, how she knows it's wrong; that's  the best scenario and the worst is my evening of being care free, me doing me, is mistaken for neglect and that resurrects an anger in her and the little possessions I do have or treasure end up shattered and thrown across the bedroom until the end of the circle nears and it's back to apologies and the cycle begins again.  Just like how my mother was.  The main point is I'm all there is to blame but I simply do not have the energy or capacity to be blamed or resented for all that I am blamed or resented for, humanly impossible.  How can it all be my fault?  Fighting is my last attempt to alleviate myself of frustration and threats when I feel cornered like an animal.  And then we just fight until we are to tired to and I can regain composure and take a walk or lay down and think about things like ufo's or far off tropical beaches and to think, all this for someone who I say I love.  Someone who has the mentality of 'if you can't handle me when I'm at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'.  Well where is the 'best' babe?  What happens when there is consistently more bad than good?  When you're not able to function normally because your head is so broke down with reassurances and trying to be the tough one who bites your tongue and comes up with some cheesy joke that makes the other person think less of you but laugh at the same time, so then in that second you're less respected but at least they feel better from that funny remark and will stop their crucifying diatribe of bullishit.  You interrupted a train of thought that was complete bullishit that's why and so she can't remember what she was even yelling at you for.  A masochist of sorts.  You sacrifice yourself to be saved, to save her….  you degrade yourself even more to keep from throwing her out a goddamn window.  The funny thing is if you threw her out a damn window she's probably be nice to you for about a month.  slapping a girl might get you a couple hours,  punching her might get you a couple days, so out the window I guess would be a month, murder would be forever, but those are all mean and all might get you jail time.  So be the better man.  You're misunderstood, you're resented, bloody and beaten into the fuckin ground, you're not happy, you have no sex life, you dysfunctional, not normal, she talks to her ex still, you don't care enough to hunt him down, you want to be away from her, you want her to leave, yet you still try your best to do any and everything to make her happier, to make mer feel like a princess.  Because love fucking sucks and you're a fucking sucker.