a love poem to my lover (suicide note 22)

plummet down colors like plumb fading

in holes aqua midnight forest dwelling bones dislocating

i had the time of my life making love to you

i had the time of my life making love to you

i read backwards the lord’s prayer to bring vision

in my candle’s flame to tell of solomon’s wisdom

i played smearing blood in cult like ritual

on the flat surface of the painted white barstool

i drank myself to death in my bedroom to see you

when i closed my eyes newscast, music review, movie preview

water my pallet....fuck...i’m choking on something

my chalice treats me well like a girlfriend in an altruist spirited so kindly to one suffering

i dont know god, i dont know god, i dont know go, i dont know god,

but i hear he’s really promisin

to end up big with lots of followers

ive wrote him alot of letters, im sure he cant answer them all.

so i’m good, my faith is still fine, if i got a bottle of tennessee whiskey by my side

i'm waiting for you to get ready, im watching you put your makeup on, sitting on the toilet

watching your eyelashes fall up and down, feet on the ground, tiptoes up and down

i'm sure you're asleep so how can we do these things

if i sleep my whole life and you keep leaving me,

but it's over and over

suppurating at my mouth, foaming, erupting, boiling, and loving

magma of depths within rocks leak out clefts

prayers take form like spilled oil cans

trickle out from entwined hands

the picture of your face in smoke around wherever my insides land.

i am no separate from the forest without paws just digits and command.

like old bearded captain rolling over brine and gray sea to sand

barrel of rum to continue and find

instead fermented maize and rye

the sky open like the depths i have conquered as a piece of purpose like a pawn

salted wounds  would no longer fester to long

to break through grassy brush from midnight to dawn

to just find you however far i could go

in dream, in witchcraft, in god's plan, in song, in sand,

in dirty converse, death, in sea, forest, in sky and land.

i will kill myself if you don't love me